Tuesday, August 10, 2010

How to deal with husband who is out of control?

I have been married to my husband for 7 years. When we argue, he gets out of control by name calling,blaming,and sometimes provoking a physical fight. A typical fight for us includes him telling me that I have no place, I am a lazy b**** (although I am a full time stay at home mother to a newborn and toddler),I don't deserve my children, he will take them from me if I ever left,he insults my family,I am a horrible mother (anyone would tell you that knew me that I was one of the best),and so on. He will also get to the point of putting his finger in my face so I will get more upset,anything to provoke a physical fight. I am tired of going in circles with him. After every argument, he kisses a** until all is forgotten.


*I don't want to divorce. I need a new way of dealing with this.(not thereapy) He is used to the same pattern and I need to throw this off track. Any tips? I am not vengeful,but I just want to make him feel bad for this. I think one time of something different will work.How to deal with husband who is out of control?
You see we look at things differently men and women. For some reason he is not feeling respected by you or other people around him. So he takes his frustration out on you. Women need to feel loved not so much for men. We need to feel respected. You should probably get some help from someone who understands this basic truth.


There is a book out by a guy named Dr. Emerson Eggerichs Called ';Love and Respect. It was very eye opening for my wife and I. Try it!How to deal with husband who is out of control?
this is defined as verbal abuse and staying around it could influence your child to be abusive in his/her future relationships, and could easily escalate to physical abuse. i say you should get out, in this case divorce seems like the only true answer, unless he will go to therapy.
I am not sure how old you are but to be married for 7 years already I would think that you are older than me. I am 21 years old and I know that whatever your huspand is doing is wrong. It does not take a smart person to see that you should leave him! A woman never deserves to be treated the way that he is treating you. You are his wife not his dog! A huspand should not disrespect his wife. On top of that, any man that puts his hands on a woman is a loser! Who is he to tell you that you don't deserve your children? YOU CARRIED THEM IN YOUR BELLY FOR 9 MONTHS!!!! Who is he to call you a lazy *****??? Does he have any idea how hard it is to be a FULL TIME MOM?!!! This makes me sick! Why would you want to be married to someone who insults you and your family? Your family is supposed to be most important to you, and anything that is important to you, should be important to him. If he thinks otherwise then he should F*** OFF! He knows he is wrong, and he knows that he can kiss your *** and you will always forgive him. That is why you go in circles with him. He will never change. People don't change. There are men out there that will treat you right, the way every woman deserves to be treated, and that is like a princess. If you ever plan on being completely happy, you would leave your huspand. He sounds like a real jerk off.
Amy_A. There is only one solution when you're involved with a VIOLENT partner. GET OUT. I understand you don't want therapy and you're not vengeful...but if you love yourself (I'm sure you do) and know how much those babies are depending on you...you'd get out!! Making him feel bad isn't going to cure the violent streak that's within him. Love isn't supposed to hurt PHYSICALLY!!! Be strong and God bless!!
honey, i hate to tell you this, but nothing is going to throw him off track after he has been acting this way his entire life. the only thing i can tell you is that something drastic has to change before he will. even if it is just a threat, after one of these fights i would take the kids and leave. wait until he goes to work the next day, pack up the kids, head to your parents house and leave him a note telling him that you are tired of his crap. obviously he knows that he gets away with his behavior, so why change it.
The ONLY thing that is going to wake him up is for you to be completely gone one day he gets home. He can only be abusive as long as he has someone there. It just ain't worth it hon unless he gets some help. The next thing will be you or your children ending up in the hospital or worse. And I wouldn't go back until he started counseling or something. If he sees you are going to hold your ground, he will eventually get his sh*t straight if he cares at all. Hang in there and be firm, it will be hard. But all will be better for it in the long run.
When he fights with you dont say anything or leave the room..He is looking for a reaction from you, if you dont give it to him he would get what he wants out of the fight and will think twice about it.
ok, so you sit and deal with this and he wants to get into a physical fight with the mother of his children? And do you get hurt? Anyone will tell you that this guy is literally pyscho. He needs anger management and badly. But, he will never get it because he does not think that he has a problem. So, what you need to do is pack up your stuff and leave. Take the kids and do not come back for a day or two. Let him know, while he is waiving his stupid little finger in the air, that you will not entertain of this dumbassery and childlike behavior. Then calmy remove yourseld from the situation by heading to your room and packing up your stuff and leaving. Tell him, you will not stand for this and he will need to fix his behavior. This is not a good place for your family to live in. And if he ever hurts you, which he sounds on the verge of if he has not done it already, then you need to call the cops immediately and do whatever it takes for this man to wake up and deal with his control issures (or lack of them anyway) even if that means that he may spend a day or two in the slammer. And if you are lucky, then this will all happen on a Friday do that he can rot in there for the weekend.
After all he has done and you don't want a divorce Therapy is the answer. FOR YOU! What are you teaching you children. That is ok to abuse and be abused.
take your kids and LEAVE. even if it is just for the weekend.. maybe he will get hte picture. also.. never let him forget that fights that he picks.
here's the thing, you are talking about a big problem. so you might want to open yourself up to the things that could help like couples therapy. because there arent new ways to handle a fundamental communication problem in a relationship. there is no easy answer because his way of dealing may be deeply rooted in his personality and upbringing, just as with you. people dont change that easily, especially parts of their personality. plus they certainly dont change for other people. change is only possible if a person chooses to change for themself. so if he isnt committed to being a different person in these situations its likely he wont be.


the sad fact is that you should consider both divorce and therapy otherwise this is how your relationship is going to be until death do you part.
It sound like you need to get a clue either you like being abused or **** that's just it. You say you don't want counseling, well what else could their be. You are in an abusive relationship and what kind of effect do you think that it takes on your children. You guys can either get professional help or you need to get a divorce. It only gets worse.
nothing will help.....u have 2 choices...divorce or put up with it...been there done that..
D I VO R C E !!
He's a blow hard! Call his bluff! Get the name of a GOOD lawyer have them send you their business card (a divorce lawyer). Next time he blows up, tell him get a lawyer, because you've already contacted yours in case he did exactly what he's doing. Then get in his face, and say, ';you didn't think I would do it did you';? ';One more blow up and you are outta here buster';! My ex (hint, hint) did this with me for two years. Thats emotional trauma at work. I dropped this in her lap and she was the greatest wife for 3 months, (while she went shopping for a lawyer.) I got custody of the kids and she got the reputation as a real bad mom.
He's feeding off your emotional response to his abuse...he's sick, you know that. It's a totally abusive unhealthy relationship and it's not good for your kids to be around it...


But, if you're staying together anyway, just let it roll off your back. It's gotten you upset enough that you're asking on here for advice on how to make him feel bad...You want to do the same to him? Be abusive, that is? You guys need counseling, whether you want it or not. Or a divorce. I feel bad for your kids, having to watch you guys fight and put your hands on each other in any way but love. Do them a favor and get outta there before you screw them up.
I guess from the info. you provided that you guys have been to therapy on more than one occassion without success. I am recently divorced from man who did exactly everything you are describing and it was the best decision of my life. My children and myself are better for it. However, I understand where you are coming from when you say you don't want a divorce. I didn't either and I tolerated years of abuse. We tried everything and after it was all said and done I could walk away with a clear mind because I know in my heart I tried everything I could. However, YOU can't be the only one trying because there are two people in the relationship. If you attend church, I would seriously advise you to talk with your pastor, priest, whatever. If you don't attend church, you may want to consider it. If not, then perhaps you can find a male that he looks up to (brother, father, friend) and explain to them what is going on. Maybe they can reach him on a level you can't to make him understand what he is doing is wrong. Above all, leave your children out of this. Neither one of you should use them as leverage ever. You guys created this mess and or choose to engage in it, not them. Best of luck.
You deserve better than this. I understand you do not want a divorce, but you and your children do not deserve this. You don't want them to grow up thinking this is normal.
LEAVE HIM. IF HE WAS DOING THIS AS A RESULT OF DRINKING, THEN I'D SAY, GET HIM SOME HELP AND YOU STILL MIGHT CONSIDER THAT.





BUT, ITS THINGS LIKE THIS THAT ESCALATE. I MEAN IT. TALK TO YOUR FAMILY AND GET OUT. THE BABY IS YOUNG. YOU HAVE A LIFE AHEAD OF YOU AND THE POTENTIAL TO MEET SOMEONE THAT WILL REALLY CARE FOR YOU (MAYBE EVEN YOUR BABY TOO). LIFE IS TOO SHORT.





YOU NEED TO PICK UP AND MOVE OUT. DON'T TELL HIM YOUR DIVORCING. LEAVE. MAKE HIM NERVOUS





GOOD LUCK TO YOU





--J

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