Friday, August 20, 2010

How do I manage not to blown up at my husband while he says mean and hurtful things to me?

We always make up. He woudl apologize. I apologize sometimes. ( naturally it is his fault most of the time) Every time we get into an argument it blows up beyond the reasonable proportions. My husband is dealing with a lot - business problems ( money), his dad's cancer, and he himself just got a surgery. He does feel sorry for himself but it is for a good reason. I woudl too. But we cannot turn any minor disagreement into a huge fight once a week, for godness sake. He has never been married before - he is 51, and I am 7 years younger, and we've been toghether for 14 months. We are very very different - different education, background, and come even from different countries. Is there any hope for improvement? Or ways to somehow diffusing the fight so it doesnt' grow to riduculous size?? help!!!How do I manage not to blown up at my husband while he says mean and hurtful things to me?
This may sound simple, but basic truths are simple. The only way to diffuse an arguement is if one person refuses to get into it.





You may feel that you need to argue with him in order to stick up for yourself and prove that you are right, but the fact is that disagreement is rarely solved by angry loud words.





Just decide to not ramp things up. He can't argue with himself and you don't have to prove yourself by being louder or meaner than he is.How do I manage not to blown up at my husband while he says mean and hurtful things to me?
He has never been married before so he's used to doing/having everything his way, and has to adapt to having a wife.





I'm glad that you understand what he is going through. When you can, just sit down with him and tell him you want to be a sounding board for him, someone he can just open up and talk to which will help relieve some stress; but you don't want to be a verbal punching bag.





After that, the next time a discussion starts to escalate, CALMLY say that you're willing to listen when he is willing to talk to you calmly; go for a walk. Just don't stand there and let it escalate. I've had to do the same thing. My husband gets upset and accuses me of not wanting to hear what he says. I tell him I very much want to hear what he says when he can speak to me rationally and calmly. I have told him I will not let a discussion escalate into a shouting match and I will walk away and let him calm down.





Good luck!
You should be his shoulder to cry on but never his stepping stone. He has no right to mistreat you.
He may be 51, but you are both babies in the areas of negotiating differences without rage and resentment.... There is a whole lot of difference between, '; Geez what a jerk you are when you say..... I just hate that and.....';


And, '; Wow, I guess we need to discuss this to find a common ground where we can each help the other. When can we talk?';





Being able to get your issues out there on the table without trouncing on another's ego is a skill that we ought to teach in hs.... we do not, and of course lots of kids never make it to college, or never take a course in communication.





Since you two come from differing cultures, I'd suggest you have a few sessions with a counselor to find out ways the fighting can stop, and true resolution of your difference begin.... You each need the language of negotiation if it disintegrates into fighting---if you are fighting, you don't have it........ stupid, and erosive to any relationship. Get some counseling, hon. two sessions would be the best $$ either of you ever spent.
He is too old to try to change and set in his ways.
Try couples counseling
No matter how bad things are you have to work on things together.True love will take care of every thing.
I understand where your coming from. I cannot stand to argue or have someone 'shouting' at me. We are grown and should have control over our emotions.





The only thing you can tell him, quietly, is that you will talk about it later, when he has more control and simply walk away from him. I had to do this with a male tenant/friend. He would just start shouting and making faces to get his point across, so he said. He thought I would not take him serious or hear him unless he acted like a child. I told him I was raised differently and could not hear him when he shouted.





He learned to get calm before approaching me and I NEVER SHOUT! I JUST SAY WHAT I HAVE TO SAY IN A CALM, QUITE MANNER. IT IS MOST EFFECTIVE. GOOD LUCK.
I think you need to have a serious talk with him.

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