How to deal with husband's avoidance of conflict?

Could you good people please help me out here... my new husband, who I LOVE dearly, grew up in a very physically abusive household. (No argument on that, I've heard it was true from his entire family.) Now he's in his 40's, but we as a couple are running into a problem, if there is ANY disagreement, and I don't mean fighting, ok, just me getting emotional at all over anything not even between us as a couple, he steps so far back it's scary. ';I want zero drama, zero stress...'; is his goal for the household, but you can't live in a bubble and **** happens, we all know that in this day and age. How do I get him to understand someone getting upset is not going to automatically escalate into what he grew up in? (And in perspective, I have 3 grown children who never had a hand laid on them, they grew up in a very balanced household with me. But I do raise my voice when I get upset. Even my children have told him ';Mom's not doing anything that bad, I've seen a lot worse, she's just venting.';)





I almost don't want to discuss things with him because of his approach, but we have to or we can't grow as a couple and deal with concerns as they come up. Any help here?How to deal with husband's avoidance of conflict?
Let me suggest this.....





He needed awhile ago to have some personal counseling on how to deal with issues and life. See he thinks or fears from his past experiences. If he talks about how he feels about those past experiences this will help the counselor show him how to deal better with all ';issues'; that come up. He is fearful about failure if he confronts something.





It's kind of like a turtle ducking his head into the shell. He knows the conflict will happen but he wants to avoid it at all costs. You don't try changing him cuz he's pretty much set in his ways of dealing with things. Heck....I have seen a car actually run over a turtle in the road and it survived just fine. So this method of avoidance has worked for him for the most part.





I am sure deep down he wishes he didn't do it. This will tend to balloon and by putting things off the problems only get bigger and worse. Which for a partner who, like yourself, probably gets to the meat of things and doesn't procrastinate gets upset over this.





Maybe if you had joint counseling just the two of you with a counselor this would help him. The counselor can offer ways of dealing with things and how to do it.





If not, you will have to just put up with it. Hope for the best in your loving way with him.





I grew up in terrible circumstances myself, and I have a ';low drama threshold'; not zero but I must admit I can't stand drama. I believe you don't need to 'encourage' drama or help it come into your life. Some people thrive on it. This I don't understand. When my husband and I disagree on things we argue very minimal afew minutes of words (nothing crude or mean cuz you can't take it back) but we have our say and maybe 30 mins goes by and we let it roll off our backs. Sometimes we go back to acting normal or we hug and move on. We don't stay mad for sure. It has an end to it.





Maybe you can take this advice and work with it and it will help you and him. Be very loving and kind as you say, ';Honey don't bottle it up you can tell me'; kiss him and remember the tone of your voice speaks very loud. Good luck girl :)How to deal with husband's avoidance of conflict?
If his past was traumatic enough for him to be scared of you getting emotional perhaps you should seek counselling for him. He needs to understand that just because you get upset with him that doesn't mean that you love him less or have underlying intentions of hurt. Maybe you can't be the one to help him through this. Don't let this get in the way of what sounds like a wonderful marriage.
I don't blame him. He's too old for the drama anyway. Learn how to not get so emotional. It's not that serious. Earthquakes are hitting the world like crazy, thousands of people are affected by it, our country is going nuts....now that's serious.
I'm not sure that I think that there's anything wrong with his approach, as long as he is willing to have calm discussions.





Perhaps I'm confused...but, do you want him to yell? Or just not be bothered when you do?





Why not try it his way?
as a general rule, its is easier to change ourselves than to change someone else. perhaps you getting less ';emotional'; about things would solve your problem entirely?
I think you should consult a professional.
you are making drama when there isnt any. just shut up and suck it
Your talk to him is important. Every remarks, voice tone and body language before you knew it they're already 10 ft away from you. Don't see your problem as a problem or conflicts. See it as an everyday chores. Every couple had argument because each individual have their own differences. Take the matter as another discussion to improve. Sometime he maybe wrong or sometime you maybe wrong. When things are more lay-back than have a conversation with him and absorb his opinion and analyze. Make things more flexible and not rigid. Things doesn't always come the way you want. Maybe you have to start to look at his good side instead of focusing on his past or whatever occur to you. Technically it's the how you deal it. Sometimes with man you cannot push your luck. They're some buddhist book that will help you how to control your mind and break the barrier of delusion in life. It doesn't have to be that way. I used to went thru similar situation with my husband. After stop barking for a very long time, now he actually sharing a lot of things with me now. Now that I am glad and hope you will too one day.
How do I get him to understand someone getting upset is not going to automatically escalate into what he grew up in?





How is he going to get you to understand it does?...you are going to have to understand him and his inabilities and learn to navigate around his triggers...not just tell him to get over it. You will have to purchase books that explain to you what and why he is who he is...and learn how to tell him what you need and who you are...and then deal with the denial, detachments,and triggers until he becomes a stronger person like yourself.
Wow, How about the both of you seek counseling? It seems to me that this really affected him and is now trying to keep in control of the situation. Your best bet right now would be talking to him about this, make sure you don't make him look like the one with a problem. Tell him you want to know more about it and you would like to be involved because he is your better half. tell him that it would help if you see a therapist, but explain to your therapists why you are taking sessions.





It seems to me that he really needs any help he can get as this could damage your relationship.





Best of luck