My husband had an emotional affair which resulted in a physical one. The affair was not long, but the damage was done to our marriage. I decided to forgive and so far its been ok- he's accountable and answers my prodding questions when I feel insecure. He has also agreed to go to counseling with me but right now we can't because he's in the military and we live apart.
Today he confessed he is having troubles ';turning off'; his emotions for her. To be clear, he said he does not want to be with her or anything like that. Its more like grieving, and/or the feeling you get after you break up with someone and don't talk to them and all of a sudden they're cut out of your life. He has cut her out and all communication and isn't about to initiate it, but he let me know because I knew something was up with him.
So here I am, and while I'm glad he doesn't want to go back to her and really genuinely wants to move forward with me and our marriage, we both recognize that our forward progress will be severely hindered by these feelings. Is there anyone else out there who's gone through the same thing?
A side note, (he works with her) to make matters 10x worse, due to the nature of his job he can't quit (military contract). So he switched to night shift to avoid her, but the shifts overlap. They work together in a massive aircraft hangar. He says they have not spoken and whenever she enters the hangar he leaves but its still just seeing her there that bring all this stuff up for him. We both can't wait until he transfers in May.How can my husband deal with these leftover emotions?
So, I'm in your husband's situation. First and foremost, I think it's great you guys are working through it and that you've allowed him to feel comfortable enough to share these feelings with you. That will help in the success of your marriage.
So, I had an affair for 10 months with a man I also worked with. We're both Realtors, so upon my husband learning of the affair, I left the office to take myself out of the situation. My husband, being the wonderful, gracious man that he is, didn't make me leave, but I knew it would put his mind at ease. Unfortunately, I have allowed myself to be very weak to this other man and we still talked for a bit afterward. I fell in love with him. But, I knew he wasn't the man I wanted to be with. He wouldn't make me happy the way my husband does. But, one day, I went into the office and saw him. We talked for a while and I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He said maybe in a bit. After I walked out of the office, I broke down, called him and apologized because I knew it was wrong and a terrible idea...he agreed. When I got off the phone, I cried like I was a 15 year old girl who's boyfriend just broke up with her and I thought my world was ending. It is absolutely a feeling of grieving. Going through the process of not allowing yourself to hangout with someone you want to hang out with makes you feel like they're dead. They have to be dead to you in order to put them behind you. It's a horrible feeling. It doesn't take away from the emotions and love you have toward your spouse, it's more like grieving for a loved one that passed away. Because I knew it would bother my husband tremendously, I've never really explained that to him. And, I'm used to my husband being my comforter when I'm in pain, so not telling him that I'm grieving is extremely difficult. That's why I think it's great you two have a relationship that he can tell you that. The part that makes me want to kick myself the most, is that I lost a friend. Before the affair, we would chat on the phone and go to lunch, etc. because we were friends and my husband knew we were friends. I never, ever expected to find myself sexually involved with him. So, thinking to myself that if I just wouldn't have crossed that boundary, I'd still have him in my life kills me. But, it's something I'm learning to deal with. And your husband is probably in very similar shoes. It sounds like he's doing everything he has to to move forward and not allow himself to fall again, but it doesn't mean those feelings just go away. He's probably not grieving a lover, as much as he's grieving the loss of a friend. For me, this has been one of the most painful situations I've been in. I hide the pain when my husband is around because I don't want him to think that because I'm in pain that I want to be with this other man. My husband was married for 29 years and was in a loveless marriage. Besides me, he's never experienced a passionate, loving relationship. So, since I shared that with this other man it's hard for him to understand that can happen without me wanting to be with him. So, he doesn't ask and I don't tell him I'm hurting. If he did ask, I'd probably be honest as your husband has done, but I don't think my husband wants to know. But, it sounds like you understand where your husband is coming from. And the more you allow him to be honest with the pain he's experiencing, the better off you two will be. I'd be concerned if you asked and he acted like everything was fine and it isn't a problem for him anymore, ya know?
I'm sorry you've gone through this, and I'm sorry that people like me and your husband cause pain to the people that mean the most to us. It sounds like he's learned his lesson, and I know I've learned mine. May isn't too far away and, as long as he's forced to run across her, he may not fully heal until he is transferred. So, the best thing you can do is be supportive and loving, and continue to let him confide in you.
I wish the best for both of you!How can my husband deal with these leftover emotions?
Unfortunately he has an emotionally attachment to her and it makes it sad for him that he cannot even be friends with her. Support each other and take comfort in that May is not that far away.
The first thing he has to do is that since he is ready to leave her he should work on his emotion he should also switch off on that too. How will he feel if he sees you doing what he is doing with another man am sure he will not be able to handle it seeing you going emotional with another man. What so ever that led to that was lost not love. It is only idleness and nearness that the two of them indulge. He should be able to control himself and his emotion because he will keep on coming in contact with women and ladies every time either on the job or outside world.
Be patient with him. It takes time to readjust. He loves you but it is normal to want to resume the emotional affair because it is easier for him to talk to her right now because of the stress that is within your marriage. You need to get all the questioning over with. If you are going to make this marriage work, you will not continue bringing up the affair. The question you need to be asking now is what did he feel was missing in your relationship that made him turn to some one else. That is where you need to begin in order to work through the issues that got you where you are today. It takes two to start a marriage and two to end a marriage. Although , you may have felt the marriage was fine, there was something that made him feel differently. That is the answer you need in order to become a family again. It will take time for him to rebuild the trust that he broke. During that time, although you will never forget, you must not speak of it again. Good Luck.
How can my husband deal with these leftover emotions?
juicy fruit
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I am glad he agreed to marriage counseling. Meanwhile, I think you need to do something asap to keep the marriage from falling apart before you can get to it.
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You mentioned this was an an emotional affair, let's start there.
The fact that you would even use such terminology indicates to me that you have an understanding of the difference between an emotional affair, and a purely sexual indiscretion.
Emotional affairs entail sharing ';emotional'; intimacy to a level that should be reserved for our significant other. So they are not sexual in nature. In fact, one can have an emotional affair with a parent, a brother, a person from a distant generation or even living across the world via the internet. So, it is NOT about sex, it is about disclosure of our deepest selves with someone other than our spouse.
But in any definition of emotional affairs you will run into the part that says that they *may lead to sexual. And that is when a betrayed wife like you likely cringes wishing with all your might that, the sexual part never happened.
Ironically, truth be told, you would be better off had the ';emotional part'; never happened. This because an emotional affair is a much more serious threat to a marriage than a purely physical one. This because, essentially, emotional affairs only happen when the marriage is failing to fulfil the cheeting parties' basic emotional needs.
Here is a quote one of my favorite songs.
Let me be the one you run to
Let me be the one you come to
When you need someone to turn to
Let me be the one
(by Paul Williams; The Carpenters, 1971)
Emotional affairs are about intimacy. You should have been the one he turned to. I have no doubt that you used to be the one he ran to. Unfortunatelly, your relationship deteriorated to a point where he did not feel heard, understood, accepted, respected, safe, Etc... to share his deepest self with you.
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I am not saying that this is all your fault. From a communication science perspective, there are 3 entities in a couple's relationship:
_he
_you
_the relationship
And you are both supposed to construct and upkeep the relationship ---and to shape it so that it will be functional (=fulfil your needs and expectations).
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But right now, fighting over who is to blame more will not be helpful. Your man shared his deepest vulnerabilities with this other person, because, for some reason he could not do it with you. That is the most important fact, if indeed you want to save your marriage.
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Sadly, what makes your current situation most difficult is that, you are understandbly in a hurt mode. Yet he is hurting too. After all he just severed a relationship that was fulfilling his need for emotional intimacy and safety, and he did that for you, but that is not enough for you because, you feel hurt and violated and all you are capable of doing now is to treat him harshly, to doubt him, to question him, and to punish him.
What I just described is a dynamic, in general so please don't take it personal.
I am guessing that this is in part what is going on, based in logic and in human nature.
It might help you to find that song I quoted earlier and listen to it.
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At the moment, I am guessing that you still are not the one he runs to, because you are hurting too, and you are blaming him for this whole thing.
Now read yown words, and try to capture your attitude in those words, okay?
';How can my husband deal with these leftover emotions?';
You make it sound so trivial and meaningless: left over emotions.
Whether you realize it or not, you are minimizing his pain. Sure, you may want to strangle him for betraying you. That's understandable, however, you cannot do that and save your marriage at the same time. So, pick one.
In order for your marriage to be saved, you need to be willing to accept, at least, partial responsibility for what happened to it. Sure your husband was weak, and made the wrong choices, but he did not necessarily do it to be cruel to you.
Please don't think for a minute that I am blaming you. I have experienced emotional betrayal myself, though in this case it never evolved into sexual. And the relationship did not survive.
Consider that right now you are at a cross roads. You can either try to ';be the one he runs to'; at this painful moment in his life, or you can ';keep guilty-ing and shaming him'; to keep him away from this other woman, without throwing him a life saver.
Ultimatelly he will find someone to run to. This time may just be a buddy at work, who knows.
Your position as I see it is difficult, unfair and sux, but at least you have options. Choose justice or choose love.
Good luck!
;O)~
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