Friday, August 20, 2010

How do I manage not to blown up at my husband while he says mean and hurtful things to me?

We always make up. He woudl apologize. I apologize sometimes. ( naturally it is his fault most of the time) Every time we get into an argument it blows up beyond the reasonable proportions. My husband is dealing with a lot - business problems ( money), his dad's cancer, and he himself just got a surgery. He does feel sorry for himself but it is for a good reason. I woudl too. But we cannot turn any minor disagreement into a huge fight once a week, for godness sake. He has never been married before - he is 51, and I am 7 years younger, and we've been toghether for 14 months. We are very very different - different education, background, and come even from different countries. Is there any hope for improvement? Or ways to somehow diffusing the fight so it doesnt' grow to riduculous size?? help!!!How do I manage not to blown up at my husband while he says mean and hurtful things to me?
This may sound simple, but basic truths are simple. The only way to diffuse an arguement is if one person refuses to get into it.

You may feel that you need to argue with him in order to stick up for yourself and prove that you are right, but the fact is that disagreement is rarely solved by angry loud words.

Just decide to not ramp things up. He can't argue with himself and you don't have to prove yourself by being louder or meaner than he is.How do I manage not to blown up at my husband while he says mean and hurtful things to me?
He has never been married before so he's used to doing/having everything his way, and has to adapt to having a wife.

I'm glad that you understand what he is going through. When you can, just sit down with him and tell him you want to be a sounding board for him, someone he can just open up and talk to which will help relieve some stress; but you don't want to be a verbal punching bag.

After that, the next time a discussion starts to escalate, CALMLY say that you're willing to listen when he is willing to talk to you calmly; go for a walk. Just don't stand there and let it escalate. I've had to do the same thing. My husband gets upset and accuses me of not wanting to hear what he says. I tell him I very much want to hear what he says when he can speak to me rationally and calmly. I have told him I will not let a discussion escalate into a shouting match and I will walk away and let him calm down.

Good luck!
You should be his shoulder to cry on but never his stepping stone. He has no right to mistreat you.
He may be 51, but you are both babies in the areas of negotiating differences without rage and resentment.... There is a whole lot of difference between, '; Geez what a jerk you are when you say..... I just hate that and.....';

And, '; Wow, I guess we need to discuss this to find a common ground where we can each help the other. When can we talk?';

Being able to get your issues out there on the table without trouncing on another's ego is a skill that we ought to teach in hs.... we do not, and of course lots of kids never make it to college, or never take a course in communication.

Since you two come from differing cultures, I'd suggest you have a few sessions with a counselor to find out ways the fighting can stop, and true resolution of your difference begin.... You each need the language of negotiation if it disintegrates into fighting---if you are fighting, you don't have it........ stupid, and erosive to any relationship. Get some counseling, hon. two sessions would be the best $$ either of you ever spent.
He is too old to try to change and set in his ways.
Try couples counseling
No matter how bad things are you have to work on things together.True love will take care of every thing.
I understand where your coming from. I cannot stand to argue or have someone 'shouting' at me. We are grown and should have control over our emotions.

The only thing you can tell him, quietly, is that you will talk about it later, when he has more control and simply walk away from him. I had to do this with a male tenant/friend. He would just start shouting and making faces to get his point across, so he said. He thought I would not take him serious or hear him unless he acted like a child. I told him I was raised differently and could not hear him when he shouted.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him.

Married women who has to deal with the ex?

You all know what i am talking about. When your husband had kids with an ex girlfriend or ex wife and you have to put up with it. How long did it take to establish a steady civil relationship between you, the ex and your husband if you ever did? Are you involved or does your husband deal with her himself? What are or were your issues with each other?Married women who has to deal with the ex?
I did all the dealing when it came to her. She was nothing but a minipulative c**t and did everything she could to tear us apart, she lost of course.

I then decided to become friendly with her, pays to keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

Now her life has turned to absolute crap and I relish the fact that she is drowning in it. Call me vindictive but she deserves everything that was coming to her.Married women who has to deal with the ex?
It didn't take long at all. My belief is that they had a relationship before you came into the pictures, so you need to give them space to deal with the kids. It took me and the ex-wife about a month to talk to each other. I let her know I was her just to help and was not trying to take anyone place. I told her that her son would not call me mom or step mom... just by my first name. That seem to work for us. Now don't get me wrong, any big things that go on between my husband and the ex, I know about, but little things like him calling to talk to the son.. I don't have anything to do with.
well..i am on both sides of that fence. i am a ';first wife'; and also dating a man who is divorced with children.

my ex and i had a horrible marriage and he remarried a young girl and they have children together. the ex and i don't i have come to communicating with his wife. i think we get along pretty well. i do not get involved in ANY of their personal stuff, nor question my children. i try to make things best as possible for my kids.

on the other bf's ex calls almost everyday about anything that comes to mind. even tho she is remarried too, it seems as though she is not..i don't like it very much.

i guess i just try to be civil..and expect the same from others.

How to deal with husbands nasty ex wife(maturely)?

My new husband has joint custody with his exwife of their 3 kids. Between sports events and school functions we have to deal with her 2-3 times a week. His exwife told my inlaws once ';IF I can't have him no one will'; and 7 yrs later shes till single and bitter. She ok to him but injoys little diggs to me. So how should i deal with a exwife who hates me for the only reason I have what she wants?How to deal with husbands nasty ex wife(maturely)?
I think the only thing you can do is develop a thick skin and learn to ignore her. She's going to be in your life for a lot of years so you might as well just learn to tune her out. Hopefully, she'll find someone herself eventually, but if she's bitter and hateful about the divorce, that's going to turn off a lot of potential boyfriends/husbands.How to deal with husbands nasty ex wife(maturely)?
the best way to treat her is by ignoring her.
It's the children that count. Anything you do that is hurtful towards their mother is not good. Be kind, don't ever put her down, and have a thick skin. She's a bully and if she gets nothing, it will probably stop.

Try to talk to her privately when you can, calmly and tell her what you want. She will choose to say yes or no.

But I'll bet you knew all about this when you got married. We all make choices.
Talk to a therapist
If you broke up that family you have no right to be so smug. What goes around, comes around.

If you had nothing to do with it, then a mature person would ignore her ';little digs';. They don't mean anything to you.
Honey, this is tough....

the only way t deal with her is talk to her.. INFRONT OF YOUR HUSBAND! Why? well if you talk to her behind your husband...she will act mean, infornt a nice lady...well talk to her... if that doesnt work try her own game...

like kiss your husband...if shes their sit on his lap.tease him... not in a such sexual way.. but you get what i mean right?

try it watch! give her a taste of her medicine if she doesnt agree to talk..

Has anyone else's husband/partner been nervous about having a girl? Advice please!?

My husband and I found out last night that our first baby is a little girl (yay!). I am thrilled, and my husband is happy that we are having a healthy baby, but we both felt like it was a boy. My husband is now very quiet and nervous--like he's in a state of shock. He says he is happy but just ';doesnt know anything about how to raise a little girl.'; Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and how did your husband deal with it? Thank you!Has anyone else's husband/partner been nervous about having a girl? Advice please!?
my husband was in despair for a day or two. lol we were also sure we were having a boy. but once it set in...he got very excited. and now Josie has him wrapped around her finger...! i am now pregnant with baby #2 and he is worried that it might be a boy this time...because now that hes had a girl, he doesnt know how he will handle a boy! lol no matter what you have, your husband will quickly adjust...especially once they see that little face.Has anyone else's husband/partner been nervous about having a girl? Advice please!?
My husband wanted a boy. As a matter of fact he was sure it was a boy, I was sure it was a girl. So we went to the doctor and found out it was a girl. We both were excited but he told me that raising a girl would be harder for him and that boys are ';easier'; and he didn't want to have to deal with the issue of dating. I think it's normal for guys to want a little boy. But when that girl comes, she's going to have your husband wrapped around her little finger. I know my husband will be.
Yes, i had the same thing. I think men idealise having a son and what it would mean to them

You will all be fine as soon as she comes along. He will fall madly in love with her and these nerves will be completely forgotten!

If it helps, i felt the same as your husband when i thought i was having aboy! 'OMG, there's no boys in our family, i know nothing about raising boys!'


don't worry, you will be fine

Once the baby is born, it should come naturally to him, regardless of the sex of the baby.

Tell him to take it easy. When the baby comes, he'll know what to do, and even then he'll have some time before the baby is a real 'girly girl'... he has time.

Remind him also, that a little girl's relationship with her daddy is one of the most important she'll have throughout her lifetime. Remind him this, and remind him that he can't drop the ball on his first-born...
I won't find out what I am having for another two weeks. But my husband doesn't want a girl, he thinks the way the world is right now, all little girls are sluts, expecially after watching the movie Towelheads. I am nervous about having a little girl, but I am sure he will get over it, once she is here.
Hey you two stop there and don't predict and be nervous

After the baby is born you wont be able to separate yourself from her from a minute

You will have a feeling that she is your part part of your life and you brought her in this world

So just enjoy your time things will be wonderful at the end

As you will think so you will get

raising to the teens is the same then things change a little. he was probably looking forward to father/son activities e.g. football and baseball. he will just have to switch to soccer and softball. i was the first child and a girl and beside my father i learned to fish, change tires and fix cars (saves on mechanic bills). there is no limit on what he can teach his child whether it be a son or daughter. and daughters can be as tough as sons..i have one of each.
My husband knew even less about babies than I did! Our first was a girl, and she's had him wrapped around her finger from the day she was born. I predict five minutes, tops, before he's in love!
Well my husband wanted a girl at first but it was a boy %26amp; now he still really wants a girl %26amp; well we dont know yet but i think he would be more nervous then he himself thinks
i'm 26 weeks with a girl. and my hubby is so excited at the same time he started extra savings %26amp; buying properties to secure the lil girls life.

How do you deal with a husband with withdrawl issues (vikodin).?

angry, mean, bad sex life %26amp; no romance? HOW?

this has been going on for about 3 months now.

I'm not even interesting to him, but I know he loves do I love the OLD him....

Thanks for any suggestions, professional ones or not.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahHow do you deal with a husband with withdrawl issues (vikodin).?
Withdrawel from Vicoden takes four days. Perhaps your bf is just a jerk. If you love the old him, he was probably loaded. If you know he wasn't, he needs to be going to NarcaNon (which is true no matter what) to help him remember how to be a decent human being again.

If you keep allowing him to treat you this way, you are enabling this behavior by accepting it. Al Anon can help you. I know the using part of the addiction is over, but there's much more to it than that.How do you deal with a husband with withdrawl issues (vikodin).?
Just try not to take it personally, and when he's mean and lashes out don't get pulled into an argument. He's suffering right now and can't help feeling angry and you're the closest one to take it out on, even though I'm sure he doesn't mean to or want to. He can't really even think about romance right now because of how bad he's feeling, so until he gets through this don't expect it. Try to be positive and let him know that you understand what he's going through and that you're happy that he's quitting the pills. Having your support will make it a lot easier. If you're negative and complain/nag it'll only make him wish even more than he could take some pills.

EDIT: Those who said withdrawls should only be 4-10 days are only partially right. That is how long it takes your body to get over the physical withdrawls (sweating, vomiting, tremors) but the mental withdrawls can last a very long time. Taking Vicodin for an extended amount of time messes up your endorphins. When you come off it, it's hard for your body to create endorphins and for you to feel good on your own because you can't make the endorphins like you used to. It takes the body some time to get the imbalance corrected. Exercising causing your body to release endorphins, so you could try to get him to go jogging with you a few times a week. It will take a little while for him to notice a difference, but it will help.
He should not be experiencing withdraw if he discontinued use 3 months ago. The withdrawal should only be within 7-10 days. Talk to a physician. The symptoms are not that severe even with the most addicted individual some frustration and slight anger issues that any grown and mature adult should be able to handle.
Usually withdrawls from any kind of opiate only takes about a week. 2 weeks at most. When actually ON opiates (vicodin, codien, heroin) they portray the actions you are talking about. Try and get him into AA or NA, but if he's not ready to quit, you, nor anyone else, can make him. He has to be ready. And you should go to Alanon. Good luck.
Hes sick and it will take up to 5 yrs for him to find pleasher in the things he usto.His brain has been tricked to relise indorfens for pleasher and its got to get back to regular functioning.Depreshion is the next thing hell go threw.You might see about getting on anti depresents to help him enjoy the things he usto like sex and personail relanships. Be strong and be pashent.It will get better.God blees.
With me being in a simular situation......

You need to give him a little space because he will be really moody and will probly say things that will hurt you. But most likly not meaning it but says it in fustration. He needs to get help...but once the withdrawls go thru he will get back to normal..not 100% but it will get better.

Just love him and let him know your there for him.

I would try looking into a counsler...Addiction is a painful thing to live you will NEVER get over addiction
It is sad to say you ae going to need help to help his chemical imbalance so that he would not have the mood swings and what nots..bc his brain and all were affected by that so seek professional help for that and also a support group
My husband was on vicodin for three years due to a spinal injury....

Even though he is no longer in need of it.. He has never been the same mentally. That stuff fries your brain!

How do I cope...I go on with my life. I can't force him to reconnect to the world or me.
I have taken Vicodin. I have to agree with Glo. You will not have withdrawal from Vicodin 3 months later. You could also try posting this question in the health section. Good luck.
The old him is dead, and never coming back, there may be parts of him in there, but overall he has changed...3 1/2 months is a long time....he needs more help
Those withdrawal symptoms shouldn't last forever. hang in there!
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  • How do you deal with a husband who has lost his job?

    how do you deal with anxious people who are anxious and sometimes you get blamed for nothing . i love this person but its straining our relationship .pls don't recommend medical help because he hates to goHow do you deal with a husband who has lost his job?
    First evaluate why he lost job. If its bad luck then support him and encourage and motivate him to find a better job what he deserves to be.

    But he is fired because of his mistakes or carelessness, then ask him to work on his weak area and keep trying for better opportunity.

    Very important make him feel that you are always there with him provided he is working towards it rather then getting into depression and ruining his life as well as his family. Becos you will be happy when your husband is happy and feels satisfied.How do you deal with a husband who has lost his job?
    I hope your husband found the job???

    Report Abuse

    Some men take losing a job the same as if you cut off his.... and gave him a sex change. Women just say ';oh well, get another job';, it's different with men. So first you have to understand that and give him support that he needs to get through it and get another job. He'll get back to himself, just help him with his resume and help him get it out. Make sure he knows you aren't going to do like most of the women on here say to and leave him. He's already feeling insecure, don't make it worse. Love and support is what he needs, the blaming comes from lack of that and fear that you are already planning on walking. I'm not justifying it, just letting you know that's how guys think.
    I would probably help him find a job... as best as I could.. say I support him.. and hopefully he finds one soon.. as in this day and age you need to incomes to survive
    Very Interesting Question
    My wife and I were discussing a friend this morning regarding the same circumstances! Her husband is as lazy as they come! My recommendation would be to send him down the highway! You lose your job you get another one immediately! I don't want to hear how hard it is to find one! If you want to work---there's work!! Every farm in America has lot's of it!Never been out of work a day in my life and I'm almost 53! I don't buy all that phycological crap either. It's a fact of life- get on with the program!!!!!!!!!
    it is just going to get worse. you can't help someone who won't help themselves. don't let him drag you down. divorce him and go on with your life.
    Tell him ';darling I met this gorgious rich guy and if you don't get another job as soon I 'm affraid i'll have to tell you BYE'; lol kidding... be patient with him not having a job is not that pleasant and he couln't possibly feel like in hevean... Good luck to both of you.
    I suppose that it would be best to try your best to be supportive and understanding. I know it can be hard not to react to someone who jumps all over your case for no reason, but try just to call him out on it with a manner of civility. Just because he lost his job doesn't mean he can mistreat you. Try to stay calm and encourage him that things will work out soon. I don't think he needs medical help. Losing a job is hard on anybody! I think that for men it is especially difficult and they often react to it as though they are grieving... because in a way, they are. In time, things should improve. When he finds another job, things will return to a more normal keel.
    hope it works out for you

    good luck.
    Have you ever lost your job before? It is soul destroying. You can feel worthless and pathetic. You can feel like you have let everyone down who is counting on you. Your husband needs to know that you don't think he's a loser right now. He needs support to get through this. Get a grip and help him. He needs to know that he will find another job and that things are going to be all right.
    It is very hard to change a person... What I found is that if you tell a person how you feel after they say something that is not true is that You feel depressed when he blames your for so so.. and you hate to feel that way and just walk away..

    what usually works, also, if he blames you for something just accept it and laugh and say that you are really sorry.. If you turn it to ironic joke he will quit... he likes playing with your emotions because you let him!!!

    If you can take him on vacation to the place where he likes to go... since he lost his job it will cool him and change of scenery is good
    My boyfriend lost his job last year. The only thing you can do is push him and keep him motivated to find a new one. If he is constantly bothering you like mine did, just stay away for a while.
    If this is your husband, then you promised that you would be there for him through the good times and the bad...sickness and health. So get those ';I'm leaving him'; thoughts out of your head, and find ways to lift him up. Hug him and tell him you love him, ask him what can you do to help him,and sign him up on It seems hard right now, but you will get though this too.

    How can I deal with husbands 'Ugly Betty' fantasy?

    He keeps asking me to dress like ugly betty and wear big red framed glasses and seduce me.... and its just that I dont like to be replaced even in mind by some ugly loser...

    Please helpHow can I deal with husbands 'Ugly Betty' fantasy?
    honey men gets bored very quickly... just be happy he wants YOU to dress like ugly betty.....and not another woman..... just suck it up and put the red glasses on... u might even like itHow can I deal with husbands 'Ugly Betty' fantasy?
    dress up. he is asking you to do the fantasy, which is healthy. if you won't, who will. as a married couple, you should be able to share each others fantasies. I have dressed up as a nurse, a play boy bunny and even wear a wig and call myself ';Savannah Heat';, I enjoy it, and don't think so much into it.
    Better than him going off with another woman.

    Instead of making this a frustrating situation, make it a sexy situation! MAKE your husband dress like somebody you like.

    Eventually, he'll get over it and then you can tease him about his Ugly Betty fantasy.
    That's a weird fantasy,


    Ask him why he wants you to do that,

    ask him if its because he thinks your not pretty.

    He'll feel bad and get over it probably.

    1) reject him and he'll hide his fantasies from you

    2) get into the role play - but do it your way. What's YOUR fantasies??

    Try a few on him! I think you both would enjoy it.
    wow u said it,,,losahhhhhh tell him your sick of it. He needs to love u not this other person. It`s almost a cheating kinda weird thing.
    LOL! I laugh just thinking of it!

    It could be a lot worse. What if he asked you to dress like Barbara Walters or another of the ';View'; women?
    haha, that's actually really funny for some reason....
    Make him dress up next time. You might like it.
    Ha ! Ha! That is actually funny and does not seem offensive... Just do it once for him.....