Tuesday, August 10, 2010

How do I get my husband to understand that his wanting to party all the time does affect our marriage?

This is going to be real hard to explain to everyone without it being forever long. So I apologize now for the length of this, but I have to give all the facts for you guys to understand how we have gotten to this point. My husband deals with a lot of bottled up depression. It goes all the way back to before I ever even met him. Mainly about his feelings about his brothers suicide and his relationship with his mother and the fact that he does not get to see his son as often as he would like. There is many things that bothers him that I never can get him to talk about. He just does not like to get into those conversations. But he started handling his issues by popping pills a long time back. Those pills ended up making him do many dumb things that landed him in jail and on parole for many years now. When we first met he had been out of jail for a while. I met him where we both worked at the time. He was doing real good for himself. He had got back on track and was an all around great guy. We was together for a while and was great together until he got down and out over some stuff that was going on in his life. Never filling me in on anything, of course. So he tried to deal with things the best way he thinks of and goes back to doing pills. Well, he and I took a break from each other. Well, once he come to the conclusion that he wanted to come off the pills and work on us again we gave it another shot. Now during that break he was messing up his parole. He stopped going to see his PO and quit his job, Leaving a warrant hanging over his head. We both knew that when they caught up with him he would go back to jail. We was back together and he had got back on track and was doing real good for himself. We was doing good. Then one day he was in a car accident and winded up in jail over the warrant for parole violation. I knew that the day would come and even though he was doing good he would have to pay for the actions he had done previously. So I stayed by him. I wrote him every day, literally for the four months he had to serve. I kept minutes on the phone so he could call regularly from jail. I sent him commisary money every week. Made every visit I was allowed. I was completly down for him during that time because I knew he could and had changed. So he gets out of jail, shortly after we got married. Things started off good. But him and his mom had a falling out and the next thing you know he starts acting funny. Well, come to find out he had started popping pills again. He always argues that it shouldn't matter to me if he pops a few pills if he isn't doing it around me or messing around on me or it isn't affecting me. But how do I make him understand that it does affect me? He is a completly different person when he is popping pills. He seems almost bi-polar. He never has time for me. With us working different shifts, and him using all his free time to run off with one of his friends to try and get high it leaves no time for us. We have talked about this, we have argued about this, I have even tried just letting it run its cours and keeping my mouth shut. But nothing seems to make him see how it affects us. I don't know how to help us any more. I have tried to explain to him that I am tired of the only time I get with him is when there is no one to get high with, or when he is tired from all the partying he has done the past few days and he just wants to sleep, or when he stays at home cause he is sick or something. I want him to roll over and think about what we could do together during the day instead of just rolling over when he wakes up wanting to start dialing numbers to find someone to run off with for the day to get high. How do you help an addict? I've never been one so I don't know what to do with this. I don't want to leave my husband. I want to help him. He is the greatest person you could ever meet when he isn't on pills. I love that man, but the man he is when he is on pills is not my husband. I want to be there for the man I know he really is, but I don't know how to reach that person any more. What can you really do in this situation?How do I get my husband to understand that his wanting to party all the time does affect our marriage?
This is a rough situation because you can't help someone that does not want the help. I had a similar issue a few years back. A man wanted to date me and I never would because he struggled with a meth addiction. He came to me about 2 1/2 years ago asking for me to help him. He was tired of being high. He has been clean and we have been together ever since. Like I said though, he came to me for HELP. This is what you want and need from your man. Men are more opt to use rather than deal. You just need to tell him flat out that him putting things other that the two of you first is an issue that does effect you. Do not let him tell you it does not. If he tries tell him you disagree because you feel hurt and left in the cold and that comes directly from his lack of interest in the relationship. Also tell him that nobody knows how you feel but you and there is nobody else to speak for you but you and that is what you have to do for your own well being. Good Luck.How do I get my husband to understand that his wanting to party all the time does affect our marriage?
No one WILL go thru all this.... bottom line is: He came this way. Marriage isn't a fixer-upper... you deal with what you bought, or you end it. He is what he is. You are what you are. If it's a mismatch, and a significant one, ya leave. Simple.
I am sorry that you are going through this..





You cannot control anyone - especially an addict.





But you owe it to YOURSELF to make decsions that make YOU happy...





Be good to yourself and move on. If he changes and comes to you, then maybe he will be worth it but for now - he will only cause you pain and endless sorrow..





Good luck.
A lotta red flags with this guy,


You remember %26amp; want all the good times,


but are stuck with all the bad times


Bottom Line = You're not a shrink you can't help him


Cut your losses, it's a no win sistuation


Bail
It is important that you understand you cannot help or change a drug addict. Your husband uses his past as an excuse to do drugs rather than face up to his past and move forward. He needs to go to rehab for a year at least and get off the drugs and get counseling, that is the only thing that can help him now.
The first and best way to help and addict is to first help yourself. This may mean leaving him until he gets his act together or taking some other type of actions.


I would suggest that you find a support group for spouses/families of addicts. This will give you some tools to work with and some support for the hard times.


Every addicts seems to be the perfect person when they are not using (speaking from experience) but they will not remain that person unless they really want to kick the habit for good. It may not end the way either of you want but you have to be able to care for yourself before you can really care for them.
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