How to help my husband deal with his dying father?

My husband(MH) is losing his father in a matter of days to liver cancer. MH is okay one minute the next he's telling me how I'm doing everything wrong. It breaks my heart to see him going through this, but it also cuts like a knife when says these things to me. I have no way to let out the frustration I feel. MH feels like I'm supposed to suck it up and deal with it. Am I supposed to just not take the things he say to heart and keep being there for him or leave him to himself. I don't know what to do and what not to do. It seems like he'd rather go to any and everybody than to come to me. And he keeps saying he don't have anyone to help him through this.If I don't find a structured way to deal with this I don't think our 10 year relationship is going to make it much further.How to help my husband deal with his dying father?
Chalk it up to losing a loved one--he's obviously frustrated with the situation and unfortunately taking it out on you. Are you woman enough to suck it up and know that what he's doing is just lashing out? If so, then I would ask him what I'm doing wrong and how he would like to see it done. This takes a LOT of effort...especially in me because I love to be right! *LOL* But I did it and it worked very well in our relationship.





Believe it or not, just letting my hubby know that I cared enough to find out what exactly he wanted when he said a ';clean house'; meant that he stopped worrying about it. I know that doesn't make much sense, but that's what happened.





If this is not his normal behavior, then take heart in the fact that this behavior will hopefully end as soon as his emotional stress ends. If he doesn't feel like going to you in dealing with his loss, don't take it personally, just be there for him the best way that you can. Tell him that you're willing to do whatever it takes, even if it means staying home and cleaning when he goes out to talk to family members about his emotions. As I said, this will take a LOT of effort, but you just have to keep thinking to yourself that it's worth the 10 year relationship, and it's only on a temporary basis. If your father-in-law does not pass anytime soon, you will of course need to take little breaks for yourself as well.How to help my husband deal with his dying father?
how was he before all the stress from his father's illness? If he wasn't like this before then it is obviously the stress from everything. He is very stressed, upset, sad, angry, etc... all the emotions are going through him right now. And unfortunately, the easiest person to blow steam off on is usually our spouses.





I highly suggest that you just have a sit with him and tell him that while the things he says to you are hurtful (tell him its like he is cutting you with a knife), you are going to do your best to deal with it on your own because of what he is going through. Tell him you love him very much and you are going to try and stay strong though all of this.





Then tell him you are really wanting to be there for him, for him to cry to you, and to tell you his pain of what he is going through instead of only being the one to get angry at.





tell him you may not know the exact words that will make him feel better but you will always be there to listen to him and to hold him when he needs it.





of course it isn't fair for your husband to do this to you, but I think your husband just really does not know how to handle all the emotions going on inside.
I had a partner with mental illness that would go through stages fo being very verbally abusive - saying those really cutting things that get under your skin even though you have told yourself that you will not take it to heart because they are unwell. I empathise with you situation. It is important that you get some professional counselling for yourself to help your response. Carers need a support group as well. Afterwards you may be able to get your husband to come along. Also there are people who talk about these topics on the internet see www.BeyondBlue.org.au. (you could post your question there as well).


I used to sometimes just take a break and let things cool down. i.e if my partner said something terrible I tried not to react. Consult your doctor about the situation as well. Time will heal wounds as well, perhaps it is the frustration of his fathers condition is bring up a lot of deep seated stuff that will come out over time. Good luck.
Take care of the children and things around the house. Go with him to the hospital. Say little to nothing. He's not in his right mind, to hear anything anyway. He may say some off-the-wall stuff for the next week or so. Give him some space.
YH is going through an extremely emotional time. You need to try to be supportive of him and realize that marriage is not 50/50 and now is the time for you to give the 100%. Losing anyone is hard... then there is the grief to deal with after the death...be patient with him. After 10 years, you know the type of man YH really is...he will be back after a time....
If you really feel that his behavior is destroying your marriage, you have to talk to him before it's too late and he's wounded you beyond all healing.





Wait until he is in a calm moment, then say: ';I know this is a rough time for you, but when you yell at me I can't help but take it personally. I am afraid any love I have for you will be destroyed by your harsh behavior.';





Good luck.
There is no easy answer to this situation. Sometimes we turn on the ones we are closest to in stressful times.


Your husband is probably feeling many emotions that he is not equipped to deal with rationally. Unfortunately, the loss of a parent is a unique experience that involves emotions that are not commonly dealt with. Many children will feel guilt. Displacing guilt on others is a common coping mechanism. Guilt is usually an irrational emotion that induces illogical responses.


Perhaps the best thing you can do is be there for your husband. Maybe you can help prepare for the inevitable steps that will take place after your father in law passes away. This is something that you may not be appreciated for now but in the time following the funeral and after the grieving process has run it's course, you're attention and caring will be appreciated.


The best advice may not be the easiest. You may need to endure some irrational and unpleasant behavior from your husband during this time. Since it is irrational, there is not a way to resolve the behavior through discussion or argument. Time will pass and your husband may appreciate you later for your patience now.


Best of luck to you.
The best way to help your husband is to not ask questions, and realize this will pass. He is emotional about losing his father and a bit edgy, and usually we are edgy with the one closes to us. If you can give him a hug, take him his favorite drink, and so on and not get upset, this might help him to get through it.
First, I'm sorry to hear about your father-in-law. I will keep your him and your family in my prayers.





As for the situation, it sucks. Really, really badly. My boyfriend almost lost his mother to ovarian cancer and a botched hysterectomy a few years back. They cut an artery during emergency surgery, and she was horribly close to bleeding out. Then, they kept her in and induced coma for almost two months. This, coupled with the fact that he's watched his grandmother, two aunts, and his best friend's mom die of the same cancer put a lot of stress on him,. He put a lot a of stress on me. I know where you're coming from.





Take the hurtful things your husband says with a grain of salt. He's in a painful place right now, and a lot of it is just hurt, anger, and frustration talking. That said, you don't need to be anyone's punching bag either. When he attacks you say something like, ';I am sorry for what you're going through, and I am here for you when you need me, but right now it seems like you need some time to yourself.'; Then remove yourself from the situation. And remember, it's not you--the significant other is almost always a good target because they're available, and they'll usually put up with quite a bit before biting back. It's not fair, but it usually turns out that way.





As far as other things you can do, that depends on your specific situation. I picked up some extra work so he could take some more time off to go to the hospital. Between him working and spending all of his free time at the hospital, I also made sure he was as comfortable and well fed as possible when he was at home. I was more lienient about what I expected from him as far as us going out or things like that.





It's a lot of extra effort, but when you and your husband do get through this, it will make your bond stronger. Best of luck, and I hope when it's said and done your husband shows you some extra appreciations for doing your best.
men are stubborn. let him deal with it in his own way...still be there for him though! leave '' i love u'' notes around
You have to be there for him. It doesn't matter what he says. You have to be strong for him. He needs you so much right now. Don't take it personal. He must feel like he's dying inside too. Just love him. If he says something, tell him you love him and are there for him. The last thing he needs right now is for you to stress him out and be all defensive. If you need to vent, hit a pillow, cry when you're alone or go jogging. Better yet, pray for strength. It's all about what your husband needs from you right now. Believe me, it is so important that you be there for him. If you're not, you'll regret it and there are no do-overs. Good luck.God bless.
if his father is dying,there nothing you can do to help, just stay beside him, comfort him, understand his emotional,don't argue, let him get some peace, help him to get prepare for the funeral.
Support him but remember your marriage is on the curve of a little glitch in the picture. Repaint over that glitch with the happy memories of the past. Your can always relive the past in your future.
Everyone deals with grief differently. If your husband's attitude has just started with the decline of his Dad's health, you need to not take it personally. Tell him you want to support him through this and whatever he needs from you, you are there, but let him take the lead. Don't pressure him, just let him know you love him. At times like these, you sometimes hurt the ones who are closest to you.