Please HELP with some ideas on how to deal with my husband. He has these EXTREME depressive episodes. He is on 450mg of Wellbutrin, and yet there are times it doesn't seem to help. He gets very mean, and blames it all on me. He won't go to work, will do nothing but sleep all day and be crabby to me. I have tired to understand, I have urged him to get help, but it's my fault not his. These days of him not going to work absolutely kills us financially. I do all the bills, so I get stressed. On the other side of this coin, I do have my own mental issues. I am bipolar with bpd. I am on meds and until he has one of these crisis, I think I am handeling it. I begin his crisis with knowing it's not me, it really is him, but then it turns into my own and I doubt every thought I have and wonder if it's really me! I see a phsychiatrist. He finally agreed to see one, but it could be months until he gets in I will not survive. Counseling has been set up but not for another month. HELP!!!How to deal with Husband's depression?
If the Wellbutrin isn't working out, there's a chance he may need his medication adjusted. I would suggest going in to see the doctor and explain the problem. There may be a better medication, or some adjustment to his current medication that needs to be made.
I've had a lot of experience coping with depression, but I'm not a mental health proffesional. I'm very happy that counseling has been set up, as that would be my first advice to you. In the meantime, here is my advice to you, darling:
1. Little gestures make a world of difference. This is the most important thing for depression to remember. You love each other, and just little unexpected, random shows of affection can mean the world. Wrap up a little surprise for him of something he likes. It doesn't need to be something expensive, just something thoughtful. A little food item, a funny card or romantic card, a nice tie, a new little gadget, or anything else he might enjoy would work very well. They'll keep his mood up, and yours too at his reaction. Even just showing him you're thinking about him with some notes, a phone call, or an e-mail will help lift up his day. Nothing makes a person happy like feeling wanted.
2. Make the time to relax. Both of you need to set aside a half hour or an hour ideally to spend just on relaxing. Set up a routine you can look forward to. Have dinner during this time. Play some music, light some candles, and sit with each other. Watch something you like on TV (something funny and light-hearted preferably, tense shows will only make you tense), or do some activity together like a game or puzzle. I know puzzles sound corny, but they can be lots of fun even for adults. Talk to your husband about what he might like to do during those times.
3. Talk to each other. Make sure you keep an open dialogue. Be gentle, but don't bottle things up or go into denial. If you feel you can't talk to him about it, go to a friend you can trust to spill on. Having someone to turn to will keep you from feeling alone or afraid. Make sure he has someone to do the same with. It hurts to feel alone with no one to turn to, so you should have each other as well as at least one someone outside of each other you can use as a support system. A strong support system is an absolute neccessity.
4. Remember that what he says and what you might say during these times are not how you both really feel. Feelings during depression might have some root in reality, but they are often greatly exaggerated. Wait until you're both calm, and try not to bring up arguments or grievances during these periods of unhappiness. It can tear you apart inside if you think the words said in anger or sadness are the reality of your life. They're not.
5. Stay healthy! This seems like a trivial thing, but it can make a world of difference. Eat healthy foods, exercise, and get plenty of rest. Both of you should be doing this, so talk to your doctor about what you can do to improve your lifestyle. The world can seem like nothing but a dragging mess if your energy is down or you're feeling sick/tired. Sleep more if you can, and get the full eight hours if you're able. Plan some days to sleep in. Make sure your diet is balanced and healthy so your energy will stay up. Exercise will help your body function better, releases endorphins, and can burn away energy that might otherwise be devoted to frustration or anger. Swimming I find especially useful, as it is light on the body in a cool atmosphere but burns away energy.
Those are my pieces of advice. Keep these things in mind, and remember that today and tomorrow can always be a better day if you take the time to make it such. All you need to do is stand back, take a deep breath, and step back into the game. It's worth the time and the effort for your love and your life. I wish you good luck with your situation. If you'd like to contact me for further information, advice, or even someone to talk to, go ahead and send me a message.How to deal with Husband's depression?
Good answer Peggy and I agree. The month to wait will be intolerable. Nobody plans a crisis or situation like this in advance. Estimates show over 25% of the population has depression, so it is common in many forms. It is Not however some over-used diagnosis as the Nietzian mind-over-matter person above says. This has to do with brain chemistry. We are only very recently understanding all of this historically but we finally are, and thank goodness for that. Nobody should have to live with depression in todays level of treatment and understanding.
You are smart to distance yourself from his blame. And Peggy suggested a very good response to stop his abuse.
I would suggest pushing for a much faster meeting with a professional. Not everyone responds the same to every pharmaceutical out there. Wellbutrin has worked well for some, and not so well for others. I personally went through numerous meds to find the right pharmacological treatment and dosage. Usually in your described condition of his mental state, a professional will be very concerned.
Your best bet is the prescribing psychiatrist of your husband's wellbutrin. That doc needs to know how he is responding on that drug. Make some noise at the docs office and make it very clear to them you are deeply concerned for him and yourself. Use the word 'crisis' as a red flag to them. And ask to immediately be put on a cancellation list. Cancellations happen daily and you could be in there in days! If he is not at work then he is available to go in. Take him there. Don't let him get out of the appointment. Assert yourself and make it clear to him that he must go.
The next answer would be to speak to a nurse in the department and tell him/her the dire need for immediate help. This is a crisis. If he is non-functional, beligerent and abusive... he desperately needs help, and so do you. Get the nurse and/or admin. staff in the psych dept on your side and working for you to get the appointment. They really do care and WILL get him in during a crisis. Definitely get on the cancellation list.
Best of luck to you.
First of all, let's not make diagnoses on our own. Depression is a highly overestimated illness. It is a genuine mental illness if you have severe clinical depression or manic depression. Some people are unhappy, stressed, physically unfit or suffering from some underlying problem. Bad relationships, (I'm not suggesting yours with him), poor communication skills, shyness, lack of success, low self-esteem, behavioural problems and other issues come up. Some people cover up a substance abuse problem, abuse and neglect issues or struggle with financial issues.
Read some self-help books. If he can't get out of bed sort of thing with constant crying and threats of suicide and severe hopelessness and isolation, then we may be talking real depression. Pharmeceutical companies can exploit your need to 'feel good' all the time. Older generations had to live through hardship and made themselves happy. We can unwittingly make ourselves unhappy and our society fuels that need in order to keep us dissatisfied so they can sell us the latest idea or 'fix' for the problem. The problem is a matter of perception, of one's relationship with oneself and to one's reality. It can also be about drastic change: take yourself out of an unpleasant environment. I think the smartest people sometimes are the ones who end a relationship pack up their stuff and accept a job offer in California when they live in Wisconsin and go stay with a friend or relative. Change is good and should be embraced.
Here is some advice you can give him:
Try going to church or synagogue and see a behavioural pathologist, a psychiatric nurse and a naturopath. Biofeedback and St. John's Wort, along with acupuncture and more sunlight may be all that you need. The fact that you don't get sun in winter affects everyone. People are naturally upbeat when they live near the ocean with fresh air and sunlight and little winter. Few people I know of love winter and I am a Prairie-bred farm boy who went to sleep in January when it was -20 F.
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It sounds like you're in a horrible position. I suffered with depression for a long time, so I know how crazy (no pun) your situation can be. You or someone needs to stress to him how important missing work is. If Wellbutirin isn't helping, you need to either switch or mix medications asap. Also, he needs to get more positive people in his life, and he needs to get involved in something he really loves to do, with some positive people. Lifestyle changes are very good at making changes happen. Also it's important to keep your problems separated. They can become completely overwhelming if you don't! Try to stress these things, and in a month when he sees a counselor, maybe the counselor can help too. Good Luck - J.
I'd try to get that appointment moved closer. Make sure the counseling place understands how desperate you are beginning to feel. Or talk to your psychiatrist - maybe he or she will see your husband too.
Your husband sounds totally depressed. I'm not sure it would do much good to open a dialog with him in this state. When he starts blaming you for everything though I would end the conversation real quick. Say something like ';I love you- but I just can't listen to you say these things.';and leave the room for awhile.
If the counseling place can't move his appointment up - maybe you could talk to whoever prescribed the Wellbutrin and tell them it isn't working. Maybe they could up the dosage- or try a different med.
If worse comes to worse go to an emergency room and the on-call doc will see him I think. Good luck.
I know what you mean . go to bipolar world or similar web site there is usually someone you can talk to, waiting to go to the doc has always been the hardest time ,don't let him back out of going no matter how long it takes , you are being abused
Honey, your problem is not your husband's depression. It is his self centeredness. OK SELFISHNESS. His symptoms fit my diagnosis perfectly, but not those of depression. And it is not your fault in the least.
The one common treatment for all mental illness is for the sufferer to take responsibility for their actions. Medications can help, but do not solve the problem by themselves. He is pushing that responsibility off on you. My prescriptioon ( OK, opinion) is drastic. Get away from him. You have your own issues dealing with your bi polar disorder. That is a full time job that requires a structured routine lifestyle. How can you have that when he yells at you and blames you for the sun coming up when he does not want it to? His temper tantrums leave you living in fear of his next outburst, making it impossible for you to concentrate on what you need to do for yourself. Guaranteed that your shrink has told you the same things I am telling you. If he/she hasn't, get another shrink, for your own sake
I have had chronic depression for all my life. I did the temper tantrums and blaming everyone and everything else, thte extreme selfishness, the too-lazy-to-do-what-I-needed-to-dos.. I drank and otherwise self medicated myself, which made everything worse. NONE of these behaviors were caused by depression. And I have the feeling in his case, not going to work is a game to keep you off balance.
Talk with your shrink or therapist about this. You are probably telling yourself you cannot leave him. You can't afford to. Why not? He's not supporting you if he isn't working. In fact, he is a financial drain. He is giving you emotional grief, not love. He is not as helpless as he insists he is. And after being away for awhile, I believe you will wonder what took you so long to wise up. And if he wants you badly enough, he may even clean up his act. (Don't count on it, but it is possible.)
Please, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I'll bet many more people on here will tell you to do the same thing. God bless you, and Good Luck.
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