Tuesday, August 10, 2010

How should my husband deal with the fact that he hasn't been invited...?

....to his daughter's wedding?


Her huge wedding is set for Oct. of this year--2 1/2 months away. She and her father are on good terms, but have lived 1000 mi from eachother since '95. Her mother cheated on her father when he was deployed, and married her BF 2wks following her parents' divorce. Within a year, her mother, new husband, she and her two siblings moved 1000 mi away, but she and her father still maintained contact and kept up their annual visits. Two years ago, I met her and her mother at an in-law wedding and the correspondence between her and my husband has since stopped up until a few months ago, when it resumed, slightly. Hmmmm.....


My question is this: My husband is convinced that his daughter will not invite him, but I suggested that he wait until 6 wks prior before developing a concern. What do you think my husband should do? Should he say anything to his daughter? Lastly, her mother has developed an additional intimate relationship--I thought was important to note.How should my husband deal with the fact that he hasn't been invited...?
I can only speak from experience..my father and I have had a strained relationship all my life...mostly because my mother kept us apart (didn't find it out until I got married last Oct)...and despite that there is nothing that would have kept me from inviting him to my wedding...so I think that his daughter will invite him...I will pray she does.





Too add to your response to me i would wait until 4 weeks before the wedding and if your husband hasn't received his invitation than i would have him ask his daughter why she hasn't invited him. Did she not tell him she was getting married? Or did he hear it 2nd hand....How should my husband deal with the fact that he hasn't been invited...?
That is not right at all, no matter what, he is her Father, he needs to have a talk with her, just the two of them. Is there anyway he can go to where she is and have a face to face talk? He as her Father should do whatever it takes to make this happen and to keep in contact with her. I wouldn't wait the 6 weeks, invitations should be mailed out 6 mos. in advance to a wedding and besides he should be giving her away.


Good Luck to all of you
Nothing to do yet. I would think his daughter would invite him. It is truly only about those two and their relationship ( but I know what you mean about the mom and all of hers!)


the correspondence slow down may simply be due to wedding planning. Your husband may be right and he may not be invited but there is nothing he can do I guess. But lets not give up hope until the invitations are out. It will be his daughters great loss if she doesnt invite him and years from now she will regret it but I dont think anyone should ask to be invited. Hard as it is for you to observe all this going on, I would suggest you do only that-observe. Its not your business sadly. But I know you will make him feel better if he is not invited.
um, why is telling us about his ex-wife's affair ';important';? I thas nothing to do with the daughter's wedding -all you are doing is being a gossip.





If the father is concerned that he isn't invited to the wedding, then he should call his daughter and ask her how her plans are going and if there is anything he can do to help her out.
If the circumstances of his divorce from his ex are as you have described them, and the daughter knows this, then she would be horribly wrong NOT to invite him. If they talk on the phone, I would think he would want to ask her, and talk about WHY if she says she isn't inviting him.





Are the two of you paying for anything?





It's possible the mother told her that HE cheated on her...who knows? Anyway, regardless of the wedding, if he is a good father, he will be disappointed, but get over it, and it's possible he could have a better relationship with his daughter now that she's becoming an adult.
It's still pretty early...Brides get pretty caught up in the wedding and really get self absorbed.





Perhaps he can call her up and sweetly ask her if she needs any help with anything. You say they are on good terms?





Are you on good terms with her? Can you call her and ask if she needs anything?





I guess the relationships that her mother has probably shouldn't matter other than I feel sorry for the bride because she has to juggle everyone elses feelings right now. She is the one getting married and she has to worry about how everyone is going to act, and if there is going to be any drama between her parents.





That is a bummer for her and her day.





Just ask her. I bet it's fine.
1. Look for an invitation 6-4 weeks before the wedding.





2. If no invitation is forthcoming then send a card of well wishes for the new family and a nice gift.
Communication is always a good thang. He should contact her, and possibly be prepared for disappointment, but hopefully, it won't turn out that way.
I think that he should call her and try to open up the lines of communication. this is a once in a lifetime event and he really does not want to miss it for whatever reason. this may be the opportunity for them to get closer again.
You seem rather obsessed over the fact that your husband's ex-wife likes to sleep around.........that's her business not yours.





It's up to your husband to establish a relationship with his daughter. And if their relationship is strained, an invitation to a wedding won't reconcile anything.


When you don't get along with someone, sometimes it's better to just leave things alone.
That's a toughie! I think he could let her know that he might be able to attend if he knows ahead of time what the dates are. She might assume he would not be able to attend since it's so far. I do think he should let her know that he is at least interested in what is happening in her life. What her mother does is of no consequence to you or your husband at this point, no?
I wonder how he knows he's not being invited? Did she tell him?...because it is a little soon to send invitations I would think. Unless he's done something to horribly offend her, I don't see why he would even be the slightest concerned. And if there hasn't been much contact, he is just as much, if not more, to blame than she is. He IS the adult, and father, so HE has the responsibility to maintain a relationship w/ the daughter. That should not be put off on a child, no matter how old they are. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but i see lots of parents give up on the kid just because the kid doesn't put forth much effort. It's the parents' job to be parents... The kids' only job is being the kid.
1) Does daughter wish to invite him





2) Is daughter concerned that if she invites dad, other mother comes along?





3) Does she not like other mother?





4) Can daughter send a letter to dad only, explaining her decisions?





You have time to maneuver and navigate; do this TODAY!
Why doesn't he contact her and say how happy he is for her and that he can't wait to be there for her on her special day.


If she knows he wants to be there I am sure she would include him.
if your husbands relationship with his daughter is so good, why isn't your husband and his daughter talking about the wedding. why is he not involved and helping to pay for the wedding. maybe she thinks her father is not interested.


I was in the same situation with my ex wife. also being very far apart. he need to be more involved with her life by participating in the wedding plans. like walking her down the aisle. even if it is with her step father. do it for her. ultimately he will be doing it for himself.
The facts that the girl's mother had affairs and that she divorced her father etc. are irrelevant to the question. All these happenings are the order of the day in various societies.





The basic question is what the father should do since he hasn't been invited so far. I don't see any reason why the girl will not invite her father on her big day when both were in good terms. If the apprehension is that the girl would not invite him then it shows that the father is not sure about his relations with his daughter which apparently are on shaky grounds and not as strong as it was thought. Has the case been otherwise the girl would have talked/discussed her marriage plan with her father as soon as it was on.





The point here is that this IS the girl's day and she is entitled to invite or not anyone, including her father, in her marriage. Your suggestion that your husband should wait till his daughter is in touch with him is appropriate. It would be unwise for him either to attend the wedding uninvited or to ask/force the girl for the invitation. If he does so, he may face hostility.
I would urge him to call and have an honest talk with his daughter, stress how much he loves her and would love to be a part of her big day in whatever way she wants. He should tell her he is there to support her, and if she feels uncomfortable inviting him with her mom there, then he should send a gift, a nice card, and still stay in contact. Maintaining a relationship is more important than whether or not he gets an invitation.
I would call her to stay in close touch, but not mention the wedding yet. At about six weeks he can follow up if needed.


If he is in position to, he may want to offer some cash to help with expenses.
We really don't care about the mother of the bride and all of her boyfriends/relationships/affairs etc.





The issue here is your husband, the brides father, and of course, the bride.


In a nutshell, I think your husband should wait. Of course, it is certainly OK if he makes a phone call to her just to see how she is doing and to offer any fatherly advise, as he normally would. But, I don't think I would mention the wedding quite yet.





Your husband should understand that his daughter may not ask him to even attend the ceremony, especially if there is some reason she has been convinced to let someone else give her away. People do dumb things all the time that they later regret, and this may very well be one of those times for the daughter.





Although I can feel for your husband, restraint may very well be an important concept for him to practice during these times.


Whatever happens, help your husband to accept it, get over it, and understand that his daughter simply may do something she will regret later in life. He simply as no control. Let it happen if it's going to.
Let your husband do what ever he wants. I think he should ask his daughter about it now just in case right? Well anyways it's his family you can't interfere with that.
Try to remember this: out of the 100 worst things we imagine will happen to us, 99 never do.His daughter will make the decision-not the mother.
i think that his daughter will invite her to her wedding because she loves him.
Well, maybe he should talk to her causally. I mean, he shouldn't say ';when will I get my invitation'; but assume by nature since he's the father that he's invited by default and initiate a conversation. For example, he could start by asking how her preparations are getting on... then offer help... then say, how's the procedure of me giving you in church, etc...


So the key is to initiate a conversation with the default assumption that he's going to be there to stand up beside her. He's her father, and whether she wants him there or not, he should be part of the whole ceremony. It's not really up to her to choose though it's her wedding.





Then again, maybe we are rushing matters - maybe he is invited by default since he's the father and so she didn't invite him formally on the basis that ';he know. I mean, I know that my situation is 180 degrees different, but I wouldn't invite my father to my wedding coz he's my father and he doesn't need an invitation. Instead, he's would be with me through out the whole way.
there is still some time for him to be concerned.
Yea, her mother sounds no good.


But that doesn't have anything to do with the relationship between your husband and his daughter.


I think he should give it some more time, like you said 6 weeks is good.


Just see what happens.


If he doesn't' hear anything , then he needs to talk to his daughter about it.
I cant think of any reason why he wouldn't be invited other than to avoid conflict. If that's the case then he should just accept his daughters wishes on this important day.





Though I agree with you.. he shouldn't be worrying so soon. Alot of invites dont go out until 6-8 weeks before the wedding (some even later!) and some people just dont do save the date cards.
It is his daughter's wedding and she has the right to invite or not invite whomever SHE wishes to HER wedding whether she maintains a relationship with whomever or not.
It is tough for him but based on the past he should do what men do... suck it up and respect the choice that his daughter feels compelled to make. Put love for her above his needs. If somehow the fact that he is not there makes her big day easier for her then he should let it be. Give it some time, allow a month or so pass and then he should invite his daughter and her new husband to visit you, or the two of you can go to them... That is the time to share their moment and give your husband a chance to share in his daughters new life. Don't put his daughter in a situation where she has to worry about conflicting parents... this way she is all his. Good Luck.
I don't see what the mother's relationships have to do with anything. You need to contact his daughter and ask if she intends for her father to give her away. If not, ask her to tell him that and why. If she won't do it, you will have to break the news to him. Best to do it now and stop all the wondering.
if they have a good relationship then why wouldnt she invite him? unless her mother intercepted the invitation to make sure he didnt get it. if i were him i would just ask her about it.
are you expected to be invited too??? just think about it!!

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