My husband is the same way. He'll come in from work after a bad day, sometimes, and just gripe about EVERYTHING. I've just learned that's the way he is, sometimes, and that it doesn't mean I did anything wrong.
When he's that way I just leave him alone, and go do something on my own. I'll go visit or talk to a friend on the phone, play on the computer, read or watch TV in another room. I think he appreciates the space when he's had a bad day.How can I effectively deal with husband's anger and bad mood without letting it upset me so much?
I wish I could tell you. My husband can be the same way. He had a terrible home life as a child, and never learned to deal with anger well. Although, as an almost 40 year old man, I would like him to figure that out. It's time.
But I can't make him do it my way. The best I've been able to do is try to remember that 'My response is my responsibility'. I've tried to learn to love him and respect him even when he isn't responding in a way that is caring or respectful.
This doesn't mean I let him get away with it, nor that I have no emotional reaction. I don't have a problem with him knowing that he has hurt me deeply. He should know that and have to deal with that.
Part of the problem is immaturity. We all have our faults, this one is his to deal with. That it overflows to you is your problem, but not your responsibility.
So, you just deal with it like you would deal with any other unreasonable person. Don't take responsibility for things that are not your fault. Only apologize for what you have done wrong. Make a plan for escape and leave him with a phone number to call when he has cooled off.
Let him know that you love him, but you are tired of dealing with him in this state, so when he becomes unreasonably angry, you will do X, Y and Z. And when he is ready, he can call you, apologize for what he has doen wrong, and you'll be back.
I finally started doing this, and it makes him even angrier (not my problem). But I have to come up with a better plan. I just left and drove around for a couple of hours in the middle of the night. I live in a rural area, and there is no place to go at 2am - I couldn't even find a toilet! So I had to go back home.
Dealing with the extremely angry is hard, because they just aren't reasonable, and they interpret everything the wrong way. It's like an open sore, and it doesn't matter if you look at them the right way, they'll say it's wrong.
I wish I could tell you how to not have it affect you. I can't. Probably because you love him, he is your husband, and you have a brain and a heart. We are made to be loved by our husbands, and it is our strongest desire. There is nothing to do but hurt when they are acting unloving. It hurts because it should - it's a painful experience.
The fact that you are wanting to ';DEAL'; with his bad moods tells me that you just may be suffering from abuse. Healthy relationships don't involve people feeling as if they need to hide or escape someones bad mood. If someones anger toward you is just because they are in a bad mood, then my dear friend, that is abuse.
Dealt with that for 10 years, until I realized or accepted that it was abuse. Its not easy, but trust me...these types of people can manipulate even the strongest of people.
My husband also gets in bad moods. He is also not abusive but I can easily be the one he gets snappy with if no one else is around. I've learned to just let it slide and he's learned to be upfront about it. If he wants to talk about his bad mood I am there for him. If he doesn't want to talk about it I just leave him be. I go about doing the things that I need/want to be doing such as the laundry or other household chores. Or I'll just go to another room and watch tv or read a book by myself. This gives him time to do whatever it is that he needs to relax.
From personal experience I'd say it's almost impossible.
He needs anger managment and he needs it before he goes to the next level and does hit you.
I'd say evaluate to what extent he is right about being angry. If you have done things to irritate him, then try to stop doing them.
BUT...If you are not doing anything that deserves his attitude, then maybe you should go to counseling or therapy- alone.
Find out what are the issues you argue about, and see if you can get tips from the therapist on how to deal with his bad mood.
Remember, we can change no one- except ourselves.
Good luck!
don't pray him any attention
When he becomes angry with you, recognize that the things he is saying as a result of that anger are his issues, and you do not have to take them into your heart or accept what he says as the truth about yourself. If his anger is valid, meaning that you did not follow through on something you said you would, or you somehow are not holding up your end of the deal (whatever the issue) then apologize, and release him and yourself from further conflict.
There are five steps to dealing with anger, the article posted at myfamilyminute below briefly touches on those points. There is a book called ';The Other Side of Love'; by Gary Chapman that I found to be a wonderful resource about anger, and dealing with what it brings to relationship. I highly recommend that you find it and read it.
You need to find out what you are doing that causes him to be so angry and fix that first. If a marriage is going to work there has to be communication and understanding.
I wish I knew, my husband is the same way, I just want to run and hide. It is a most uncomfortable feeling. It is kind of like u are not responsible for that mood and anger, but you must make it better. You feel responsible, yet u know u r not. But it still makes u feel like u should have to answer for it. It sucks. However u have to talk to him about it after the mood subsides and he has had a chance to get in a better mood, because if u try to talk to him when he is in that mood he will become defensive and give u more grief. Like the others said getting away from him is the only way untill he calms down and u can talk to him. Proverbs says avoid an angry man. So that is good advice. Also a soft answer turneth a way wrath. Never approach him in an angry manner when he is already angry. Silence is golden. Also fleeing the scene is good. You cannot avoid your feelings, they are natural. I also feel the same way when my husband is angry and in a bad mood. I just keep quiet now, and make some excuse to go somewhere untill the storm is over. That way he cannot blame u for adding fuel to the fire, and making you feel like it is your fault.
The first mistake you made was getting married. The second mistake you are making is putting up with his nasty anger and mood. The third mistake you will make once he divorces you is getting married again. Happy Holidays!!!
When you figure this out. Pass the answer on to me. Thanks ;)
You both need to talk and discuss your weaknesses in your tempers of what bothers you the most and start working on reducing the problem.
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